Let's talk about my least favorite thing in the whole wide world, shall we? I fucking hate and I do mean HATE my chronic pain. It feels like it is eating me from the inside out sometimes. It makes me want to become some kind of pill popping junkie. Pain makes me think I am becoming crazy, because no one should remain alive like this unless they are passing a kidney stone or a baby.
Tonight I am working and it feels like I am battling for my life, sanity, and nursing license just to remain upright and functioning. Every muscle fiber in my body is on fire and I have nothing to douse the flames with. My coping skills are becoming overwhelmed and soon my only option will be wretching my guts out. When that happens, even my own body has no idea what to do with itself.
It is taking so much of my concentration to not panic and start to cry. Bawling is imminent. I am so sweaty and my heart is racing and I'm nauseated and I can't get my thoughts under control....and it's all driven by this unrelenting pain that I cannot escape. I want to run from it, but where??? Really, where ever I go the pain will still be there like an annoying relative.
I refuse to be the person that asks, "Why me, God?!!". I'm more of the, "Thank you for not giving this to someone that I love." kind of person. I can deal. I am tough. There is no way I could watch someone else go through this. I just wish there was some sort of escape or panic button I could hit when this happens.
How will I survive this night? I'm not sure yet. I want to be home, tucked safely in my bed, knocked out with anything that will ease my pain. In my perfect world I would wake up with a handsome stocky man there with a steaming hot cup of coffee and a kiss for me. Yet another deem at this point I guess. But the thought does help me feel better.
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