Game Changer

I have in the past made reference to The Great White Buffalo. A man that should have married me a hundred years ago but didn't. Well, that was his loss, not mine. I did something that would have even a year ago seemed unthinkable. I cut him loose today.

It was simple, clean and to the point. I told him that while I care for him I want a great deal more out of life and love than the occasional Chinese dinner and sex. I wouldn't even call it "making love" anymore. He doesn't love me and I should have realized it the day he stopped kissing me.

Seriously? I want so much more than that! I am WORTH so much more than that. If I hold every other man to a much higher standard, why not him too?? If love, devotion, and emotional connection is what I desire, then isn't it what I deserve? I get that the last 10+ years of our friendship has been, "Hey, do you wanna have sex?". "Sure!!". Stupid girl! It left me so much more lonely than I had been before hand.

I am continuously searching for the right person based on what I KNOW my personal search criteria are, so why would I let someone who so clearly falls outside of those expectations access to the most human, vulnerable part of me? My only explanation is that I have been so far removed from the idea of my own value and inner self for so long that I was just doing what felt good at the risk of my own well being. When I say it like that it makes me almost feel sorry for myself!

Clearly, even through my own eyes I have started choosing to accept nothing less than I need from the other people in my life. If it is Son, BMD, the Tiger, Fuzzy Face, or the Irish Bulldogge it doesn't matter. A few months ago it would have been very different. I would have accepted whatever they had to offer. Even the smallest scrap of attention would have made me felt like Queen for a Day!

So, I am changing. I am becoming healthier. It is starting to feel like second nature to make better choices. I am learning my own value and trusting my own gut. It seems like something so simple but for me it is fairly profound.