By now I am sure most of you have realized that I spend A LOT of time in my own head. I analyze everything to death and just keep chewing at it and chewing at it like a grisly steak. I have a tendency to see most things as a catastrophe even when in reality there is none. A good deal of this over thinking is related to my past life experiences. I like to weigh everything out carefully before I venture so much as one word out of my mouth. What can I say that will cause the smallest ripple in this situation? How do I avoid the inevitable eruption caused by my answers? And yes, this means that on occasion I will lie about rather insignificant things. And for really dumb reasons.
This style of dealing with my relationships has served me well thus far. I keep everyone at a distance and give the vaguest of responses. I will talk about sex with a person in a very frank and forward fashion, but when it comes to talking about my sexual adventures, those are strictly off limits. Almost ALL of my life is out of bounds...I don't remember most of my childhood, so that's easy enough; I won't talk about my flight attendant adventures for fear of being painted some kind of slutty drunken stereotype; and my marriage.....oh dear God...I will say that I was married for a long time to a man that I probably didn't love because he was the father of my child-which trust me, is only the tip of the iceberg.
Now I am in a relationship with a man that can see through it all. Its a little scary and upsetting sometimes. I don't want to let him see my broken pieces. I am afraid of him touching my rough edges. You would think that it would be a comfort, but its really not. What if he sees that piece that's missing and thinks that it's not fixable? I feel so fragile when I am with him. Sometimes even though I ADORE him more than I knew was possible, I wish that he would buy the bullshit bravado that I put out there. I suspect sometimes when he looks at me he sees me as I was built....straight into the innermost part of me. SCARY DANGEROUS FREAKY....must RUN NOW.....
What am I going to do? Seriously? I am crazy for him. He sees me as me. A dangerous combination in my book.
I want to relax. I want to be present, honest, open, REAL, loving, joyful, trusting, and at peace in my relationship. AND: How come he can see me in a way that I can't? I pride myself on being exceedingly self aware. Could it be that I am only truly aware of my faults and shortcomings as a human? Then I judge myself accordingly?
What am I so scared of anyway? Okay, in reality I know. But am I any worse than any other human out there? What drives me to want to be this pristine perfect version of a partner for as long as I can?
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