Nowhere to Hide

By now I am sure most of you have realized that I spend A LOT of time in my own head. I analyze everything to death and just keep chewing at it and chewing at it like a grisly steak. I have a tendency to see most things as a catastrophe even when in reality there is none. A good deal of this over thinking is related to my past life experiences. I like to weigh everything out carefully before I venture so much as one word out of my mouth. What can I say that will cause the smallest ripple in this situation? How do I avoid the inevitable eruption caused by my answers? And yes, this means that on occasion I will lie about rather insignificant things. And for really dumb reasons.

This style of dealing with my relationships has served me well thus far. I keep everyone at a distance and give the vaguest of responses. I will talk about sex with a person in a very frank and forward fashion, but when it comes to talking about my sexual adventures, those are strictly off limits. Almost ALL of my life is out of bounds...I don't remember most of my childhood, so that's easy enough; I won't talk about my flight attendant adventures for fear of being painted some kind of slutty drunken stereotype; and my marriage.....oh dear God...I will say that I was married for a long time to a man that I probably didn't love because he was the father of my child-which trust me, is only the tip of the iceberg.

Now I am in a relationship with a man that can see through it all. Its a little scary and upsetting sometimes. I don't want to let him see my broken pieces. I am afraid of him touching my rough edges. You would think that it would be a comfort, but its really not. What if he sees that piece that's missing and thinks that it's not fixable? I feel so fragile when I am with him. Sometimes even though I ADORE him more than I knew was possible, I wish that he would buy the bullshit bravado that I put out there. I suspect sometimes when he looks at me he sees me as I was built....straight into the innermost part of me. SCARY DANGEROUS FREAKY....must RUN NOW.....

What am I going to do? Seriously? I am crazy for him. He sees me as me. A dangerous combination in my book.

I want to relax. I want to be present, honest, open, REAL, loving, joyful, trusting, and at peace in my relationship. AND: How come he can see me in a way that I can't? I pride myself on being exceedingly self aware. Could it be that I am only truly aware of my faults and shortcomings as a human? Then I judge myself accordingly?

What am I so scared of anyway? Okay, in reality I know. But am I any worse than any other human out there? What drives me to want to be this pristine perfect version of a partner for as long as I can?

The First Disappointment

It is inevitable...it happens in every new relationship at some point. That first little stab in the heart that shows that no relationship is perfect. That moment when you realize that your new partner is actually human. Mine is no exception.

I feel like I have spent my entire adult life in the bar. I have worked in a bar in some capacity for the better part of my adult life. I love going out, ALOT. It was one of my biggest complaints in my marriage that we never went out. I love it. Its great to be out with people listening to good music and having a good time.

However, when I am done, I am DONE...tapped out...over it...had enough of drunk people...had enough of loud idiotic drama. And in a perfect world, I would say something or act about 10 minutes before I actually do. Before I start to twist things around in my mind and start taking everything personally.

Last night I tried. I really did. I didn't want to go to the saloon and said so. I was happy to drive the fuzzy face and his buddies there, drop them off, and pick them up again when they were finished. I meant it sincerely. I WANT him to spend time with his friends, its important to have room in a relationship for alone time or time with your own friends or whatever.

Where it all went wrong and jumped the tracks was after he got home. I wasn't upset with him at all! I was a little moody, really tired, and slightly disappointed that I wasn't going to get any lovin'. But mad, upest, or angry never crossed my mind. Then he asked, "What's wrong with you? Are you mad cause you're not gonna get any??" To which I foolishly snapped, "No, I'm mad because when I am done, I'm done."

From there, lets just say things spiraled out of control. It ended up with me practically freezing to death and crying on the couch-which for the record is REALLY uncomfortable. He was on the bed most likely having the bed spins until he settled into a scotch induced coma. I found my way back downstairs eventually despite my best effort to be tough. I missed his warmth and his breathing.

For me, this morning was a switch from what I am used to. When I woke up there he was, getting dressed to get the girls. Not yelling, not belittling, not berating, and not continuing a non-issue argument born of my moodiness and him being slightly intoxicated. Even now I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop...that unexpected stealth bomber phone call with all the screaming and put downs. Rationally I know that Fuzzy Face wouldn't do that. I KNOW it, like I know my own name. But I can't quiet that small voice that lives deep in my brain that says, "You aren't worth the effort and he's going to treat you just as you are used to." FF will even go so far as to calmly say, "I'm not like that. I am totally different". He is, he really is.

So what is the lesson? First, I don't like arguing with Fuzzy Face. More than likely, he is right. He just gets me and tells me when I am being irrational. Next, and this is pretty big, not everyone in this world is going to hurt me. I am going to be cherished, just like I have always wanted (insert tears and a sniffle here). And I am working on believing that I am worth it. Finally, yelling and being defensive right away is not the best answer. Sometimes taking a breath and remembering that your boyfriend is drunk is a good thing. Just go to sleep. Seriously. You know you love him, you know that tomorrow is another day, and you know that you are being crazy moody. Let it go.

Blessings

This morning I left work to find the passenger side front window of my beloved new CR-V smashed out. Initially I was pissed because it was going to be a cold ride home and that I was going to be late to IHOP breakfast with my friends. It took a depressing turn when I realized that my new Coach purse and $918 were missing. To quote my boyfriend, "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck a duck in the butt". Merry Christmas to me!

Me being the girl that I am, I kept asking myself, "What is this the karmic result of?" Also, "What is the lesson in this for me?" Did I mention that I also was feeling AWFUL from some disgusting, wretched, putrid stomach bug I picked up from a horseshoer? Curse you Cowboy, your early wake up mornings and your ruthless sickness!

What I learned today is a whole lot about the TRUE intention of Christmas. I have decided that even if that thief's intent was to mess up my holiday, they really kind of did me a favor.

First, my son is quite the gentleman. He hauled me all the way out to Waverly to fetch my work ID and was forced to finally meet the man in my life even if he didn't want to yet. He then bought me Subway and told me that if I DARED to throw up in his car that he would hurl me out on the side of the road without stopping. He is an amazing young man and I am so proud of who he is becoming that as I am writing this, there are big tears in my eyes. He is the true love of my life.

Next, Fuzzy Face as usual made me laugh hysterically, comforted me, and planned out how to get the broken window handled. He also let his girls open the gifts that I had gotten them while I was there so I could see how much they enjoyed them. Those little girls are fantastic fascinating creatures and I am fortunate to be able to get to know them. I am so happy that the universe sent me to them. All of them. That man is incredible and I really am crazy about him. Because seriously, who else gets to have the kind of comfort he gives me? Damn few women I know. How did I get so lucky?

My beautiful Miss D. She chopped and diced her heart out to help make dinner. She hates to cook, but since she loves me and our little family she did everything she could to help out. My girl did nothing all evening but crack really good jokes and harass every single member of our family. Good Lord that girl is funny. I love her to death.

My ridiculous brother. The saver of the meal! We hail you King Bunion! You make freaking AWESOME mashed potatoes! He is flawed and wonderful. He was my first friend and has been with me through thick and thin. I cannot say enough kind things about him. Or enough unkind things for that matter! Jesus he's ugly! And has no teeth (granted I knocked them out). But he has a heart of gold and I know that at the end of our days we will be there holding each other's hand and trying to push one another down the stairs.

Finally, quite possibly the best blessing any girl could ask for: The Tiger. No one has ever loved me more. I don't know if any father has loved his daughter more. Is there anything else to say about that? Really?

So jackass that stole my stuff: My day didn't suck. You got MONEY. Great for today. I hope you spent it on something outstanding. I can make more. You know that I work. I have a great family and a smokin' hot boyfriend. I am blessed everyday. Try stealing that from me and I'll shank your janky ass.

Along Came a Boyfriend

So what I wanted has finally come to pass. Last night I heard the sweetest question asked to me several times over, "Do you want to be my girl Babys?" To which I quietly replied, "yes I do, very much". In my mind I was hollering, "Hell yes! I love you!". I almost wept with joy. Also, I wanted to jump up and down like I had just won the lottery.

This man, my sweet Fuzzy Face, is so far removed from anything I have ever known. I have up until now lived in a world darkened by fear and mistrust. I am almost afraid to relax. He wants me to feel secure and cared for. His teasing isn't malicious. He cooks for me and brings me coffee. We truly laugh together. It feels like it has been forever since I have laughed with abandon. I forgot how nice it is to have companionship.

I am not going to lie. My insecurity has already reared it's ugly head. But really, my fear has nothing to do with FF. Its just all of my programming fighting with reality. I deserve to be happy. I want to be in love with this man and his children. There is no one here to say that I am stupid and can't be trusted to make this choice on my own. But knowing that doesn't always quiet the voices that I have heard my whole life.

Oh, trust me, my Fuzzy Face is quality. There is no doubt about that. I look at him and know that with him I will be safe, defended, cherished, and taken care of. And you know what? I know that. ME....Karin Kay Biskey...no one gets to say any different. I am trusting my gut on this one.

I love this man. I really do. And I am happy that he picked me. Now, I just have to trust myself to know that I am worthy of his love in return.

This is scary

At this minute I am snuggled down next to the man that may be the next big thing. It scares me because I feel like he is a great big deal already. The night I met him he was wearing my favorite color, made me laugh like an idiot, and kissed me in a way that 2 months later still takes my breath away. This man makes me feel happy and safe and calm. That is no small feat.

I have freaked out and played the crazy girl card more than once already. He held my hand and talked me through the panic attack caused by the mere thought of having to deal with getting my last few momentos from my former spouse. He holds me and rocks me when he knows that I need it. Softly he whispers, "I've got you baby" in my ear when I am lost in my own head. This guy asks the difficult questions, doesn't let me avoid answering, and handles my truthful responses like a champ.

I know what you're thinking...."How could this possibly be scary?" Let me tell you. I keep waiting for him to wake up and realize that I am SO not worth the work. Or that I am not pretty enough. Or that my sarcasm and dry wit isn't really that much fun. Or that I am too serious. Who knows??

I look at him here next to me and feel so lucky to be here. He is beautiful. Man beautiful not like a pretty boy. Even in his sleep an arm is slung over my lap protectively. I don't know where all this is going to go. And really, does it matter? I am here now. In the bed of a man that makes me feel special. Great joy comes with great risk and I am willing to take the risk for this one.

Sometimes

Sometimes I get so tired of trying to meet everyone else's expectations

Sometimes I wish I was actually as crazy as my ex-husband and a recent ex-boyfriend think I am. Then it wouldn't hurt so much that they left.

Sometimes I want to just keep driving on my way home from work. Far, far away.

Sometimes I do nothing but think about my new boyfriend all day and plan out the day that I get to tell him that I love him. Like he hasn't already figured it out....

Sometimes I truly believe that I am the most beautiful woman in the room. When I do, its awesome!

Sometimes I have a pint of Ben and Jerry's and half a bottle of wine for dinner.

Sometimes I make a nest of my bed for several days on end.

Sometimes I wish I knew more about make up. I have no idea how to put it on.

Sometimes when I wake up from dreaming I am more tired then when I went to sleep. I think my soul leaves my body and actually goes to wherever I am dreaming about.

Sometimes I literally crave a particular song.

Sometimes I do not give myself enough credit

Humpty Dumpty

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again."

I have been told that there is nothing broken that can't be fixed. I am not sold on that idea just yet. My mind feels like a broken egg so much of the time that I am not sure if I will ever feel whole and real again instead of like its oozing all over with sharp shards hiding in it.

Why does the sound of a slamming door scare the crap outta me? What makes me feel like there are very few places to turn? Why is nothing and no one in this world safe? Inadequate, unloved, unlovable, stupid, crazy, wrong, ridiculous, dramatic, disappointment...these words pierce my brain like arrows and lodge there. Toxic tips wearing down my sanity one millimeter at a time.

Do you know how hard it is to get poison arrows out of your brain? It takes a team of highly skilled professionals and a vat of medication. And what feels like entirely too much scary, dangerous, hurtful work. It is overwhelming feeling things that have been lodged in there for 25 years. Unfortunately for me, all of my normal coping mechanisms aren't working anymore. And short of becoming a drug addict I am out of options for dealing with my garbage.

So, I may be unable to make my egg of a brain whole again. Or at least back to its original form. I guess I will just run it through a strainer to get all the crap out and make myself an omelet. No one really likes raw eggs anyway. Except maybe Rocky Balboa.

Staying Zen While Dealing With One's Ex

In reality, I would like to stab my ex-husband, The Right Wing King, on most days of the week. Now that my head is clearer I have realized how messed up our relationship really was. I was controlled and maniplated in ways that I never even noticed. I accepted it because I was soundly convinced that he was the best I could get, he was treating me in the way that I deserved, and I agreed to marry him so I had to live with the choices I had made and live up to the promises I vowed.

It turns out that not everyone who takes those sacred vows takes them as seriously as they should. Marriage vows sound so simple, but as most people know, simple things are the hardest to achieve. I think that those simple pledges are important because it leads to true and unconditional love if one follows them.I know that this is not just an issue isolated to the ex and myself. He isn't the only person to not understand all that marriage entails, but it could have been so much more.

So today, when The Right Wing King entered MY house barking orders at my son and me, I had to, in no uncertain terms, inform him that he is no longer entitled to handle us that way. Yes, my son is almost a man in his own right, but it is not okay to enter our peaceful, quiet home and treat us as his things. I said, solidly and firmly, "This is my house, and you are not allowed to come in making demands that are no longer your right and privilage." The look on his face was priceless! It was an odd contortion of rage, confusion, and hurt. It floors me the impact my words had on him. The King was quick to correct his course and simply asked for what he needed.

This is a big achievement for me; this asserting myself in a powerful, positive way. For an instant I wondered if our marriage could have been saved if I had done this sooner. Sadly, I came to the realization that our marriage would never have made it. It was built on too shaky a foundation. A house of cards built where there are earthquakes and floods won't stand the test of time.

A Whole New World

Have you ever wondered what you would do with your life if you got a "do over"? I got handed one yesterday along with my freshly minted divorce papers. My new beginning starts with about 200 movies, 3 cats, a chess set, a 1965 GMC pickup, and my maiden name.

It seems surreal to me, this new life. I am not as sad or devestated as I had anticipated. The only thing I am afraid of is whether or not I will get to try everything I have available to me now. I didn't die. I'll be damned...

Life has always been a struggle for me. Is this my karmic turn? My chance to remember how hot I am? My chance to have whatever I want without anyone telling me how stupid or ridiculous I am?

Am I up for the challenge? You bet your ass I am.