An Open Letter to Son

My Boy-

I am about 90% certain that I know why you are so very angry with me right now. I want you to know that I appreciate your concern and caring for me. It means a lot to me that you feel as you do.

Let me start by saying: I am not with Fuzzy Face. It was dinner and drinks and hanging out. (And I probably wouldn't have told BMD if I knew she was going to take the information back to you) He and I are still friends and care for each other very much. We want different things from life and a relationship right now.

With that being said, I am going to make mistakes in my personal life just like anyone else. It is not your job to protect me from them. If there is a time in the future that Fuzzy and I are in a place to get back together and we are both agreeable it may happen. Who knows?

I am not out hoin' it up. There is a lot in my past that prevents that from happening. I do want to find someone. I'm not going to lie. I spent many of the years I was with your father very lonely and feeling very unwanted. It was hard for me to handle. That is not to say The Right Wing King is a bad person, he just didn't know how to be the husband I needed.

Maybe you feel as if I am abandoning you by moving into an apartment. It's not like I expect that you will handle everything that comes up there. The Tiger doesn't really want me to be there, you and I argue constantly, and I miss having privacy. I am a phone call and a very short distance away. I have told you before that you shouldn't have to be solely responsible for The Tiger, but both you and he want you to be the man. As the situation changes, so will the living arrangements as needed.

You have said in the past that I was to blame for most of the problems in my marriage. Maybe you're right. Maybe I do not deserve what I want in this life. But that will not prevent me from continuously trying to get there. I have in the past set you saying that aside as you being an angry young man. Now I'm not so sure. You might actually believe that.

My hope is that we can resolve whatever is going on between us. There was a time when we hung out all the time. I don't expect that anymore, but I would like to be able to sit in the same room with you for more than 5 minutes without you getting snakey. I have not been the perfect parent. I know this and own it. I have screwed up in big ways and small ways. Sometimes even parents are human.

I love you. But it's more than that. I am incredibly proud of you. I respect your ideas and opinions. You are a genuinely good person and you have never lost your moral compass. You amaze me somedays.

Here's to hoping we can solve whatever problem we are having.

Love Always-
Momma

Sucks to be Me Apparently

I have a good life. I am satisfied with myself, my family, and my situation. It is a good life that I lead and I am happy for it.

It has been said in the not too distant past that I am "a fucking nut job, u crazy crazy bitch. Life doesn't work out for everyone, u were not delt (sp) even a decent hand. Sucks for you.". Wow. Huh, that was kinda harsh. I feel that while I may have been dealt a not so great hand I have tried to do great things with it. I have heard this kind of garbage thrown at me in one form or another my entire life. Quite frankly, I have learned that it's a lie. I am no worse off than a lot of people out there who have more to deal with.

This person also went on to say about my blog: "You are a confused and scared person. That is the nice thing about the Internet crazy ass people can post 1 sided stories and try to look normal". That's the rub though! I don't try for one second to appear normal! I am broken in a lot of places. I am bruised and hurt and confused. I make no illusions otherwise. I am merely seeking a place in this world just like everyone else. Just because I write about what a lot of people won't say doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me. Or anything extra wrong with me.

All this was in retaliation for what I said about Fuzzy Face in my last blog. It seems to me that I am in general very kind in what I say about him. I care for him very much and consider him one of my friends. If something was going wrong in my life I would certainly turn to him. We just didn't work out as a couple. Sometimes when a woman finds out stuff after the fact she can get a little or a lot angry. If you take a second to weigh out the great things that I say about Fuzzy Face versus the one time I was negative...my love for him prevails. It does.

Let me go on to say this: my Wolverine is no consolation prize. He is worth all the work of being with him. We have our difficulties but they are working themselves out slowly. If he isn't "the guy" then so what? I am crushing on him right now and that's what matters to me. He has strong potential to be "the guy". I am on the cusp of actually being in love with this man. Not lust with a little like mixed in. Honest to God love. It scares the shit outta me. I didn't think I would be here ever in my life. I am lucky to have the Wolverine and he is lucky to have me. And what's even better is that we both know it.

So while I may be scared I'm getting on with my life anyway. While for a great deal of time I was confused, I'm not any more. Time has been a great healer in my life. I have realized a lot of things in a short amount of time. Maybe I am a crazy bitch who got dealt a bad hand. The Tiger always told me that you can win at poker no matter what you're handed.

Mock Away Pelicans

It is really easy to mock what you dont understand or what you fear. Way down deep we are all 3rd graders anyway, right? It stands to reason that those who worry about how they are perceived will tease what they don't have and won't get.

I am in the early stages of enamored with my Wolverine. He is freaking witty and smart and won't let me run him over. Not to mention when we get to talking everything else kinda goes away. The things that he writes continue to have me smiling days later. Weeks later. I am flattered by his small jealousies and the kind caring things that he says. Oh, he's cute too and has a really cool job that I don't 100% understand exactly but I think its sexy. He's got a smart creative guy job!

Wolverine is not the kind of man that I normally gravitate towards. He's not cocky, doesn't have a giant ego, he didn't lead with sex, and isn't ever so slightly disrespectful to keep me off balance. When I am alone late at night there isn't this faint undercurrent of fear in my thoughts about him. Being scared of the person I am with emotionally blows and I am over it.

He and I each have issues. We are scratch and dent people. However we can talk our way through it so far. We both hate dating and want to be half of a whole. Does this mean that the game is over and we are going to run away together and live happily ever after? Probably not. At least not yet. But there is serious potential!

No, Wolverine is NOT a "shorter, uglier, fatter" version of the person that insulted him today. I have known him longer, so that would make you a taller, hormone driven, uncaring cad. Who was ridiculous enough to dump me for some random sex in his kitchen with his school partner. Most likely you WOULDN'T have broken up me except that I had too much crap at your house for you to explain away. You're dumb, because I am pretty spectacular, really beautiful, and a fiend for sex. I love your daughters and I am a great mother. Who lost out in that scenario? Not me! I got the smart, caring, loveable guy that KNOWS that I'm worth it and treats me like it.

Now that the truth is out there, I always was waiting for the Wolvrine. He is a real man. He might be a mess sometimes, but he will admit it. God forbid a man talk to a woman...about FEELINGS. I am pretty pissed off at the people that have said thoughtless things about my sweet. He is worth having to take my time for.

Maybe that's his "smart" plan: be good to me to get what he wants! Since I have been told that it is better for a man to be smart and not nice. Touch my face when he leans in to kiss me? GENIUS! Call me sexy when you text me? Also really smart. Flirt with me relentlessly...Facebook, email, texting, sitting next to me. Super genius. I am an idiot for his sweetness. If its a game Wolverine is totally winning.

So call him what you want, pelicans! I don't care. Okay, that's a lie. I care for this man very much. I am kind of mama bear for those I care about. If I have to tell you off, I will. But my man is wicked smart! He'll take care of you all on his own.

F You Valentine's Day

I am by no means a man hater or a romance hater or a relationship disser or angry about being single on Valentine's day. But this year Valentine's day can suck a lemon. For real.

I am dating the Wolverine, as I have said. He is a great guy who treats me really well. We have a lot of fun together the few times I have seen him and he's a romantic at heart. I am open and willing to deal with his particular bag of life experiences. I realize that today was Wolverine's first Valentine's day in his new situation and him wanting to see me was a pretty bad idea. He needs space still for what is going on in his heart and his head. I had agreed however and got hurt when he freaked out. I don't really understand why I got hurt by it when I knew it was a bad idea for us to have plans.

I may have had a hand in pushing him towards his meltdown. I basically did a direct comparison between Wolverine and Fuzzy Face. I can see how that would hurt someone who's nerves were already rubbed raw. But they are so dramatically different. One part of me wants to comfort the Wolverine and tell him that I didn't mean it and I was delirious from working overnights. Then there is the other part of me that wants to be really straight forward and tell him to get over it, they are two different men that I care for for very different reasons and I have had vastly different experiences with each.

On the subject of Fuzzy Face, I miss him somedays, I can't lie. I miss the girls too. Blah...what a sap I am. I wish I hadn't been my insane self with him. Why couldn't I have taken 10 minutes for myself and gotten my shit together before diving head first into that? I texted with him briefly today about the last of my things. I hadn't actually planned on dealing with that until after my move. We shall see what happens there.

I got a cute text from The Great White Buffalo as well. We got caught up on the last few weeks worth of news. I declined the benefits part of our friendship. It turns out that it takes more than phenomenal lovin' to make me feel content. I can't believe that I just said that!! But I have found myself doing that with increasing frequency now. The poor guy has to be confused. But I want the brass ring this time. I am going to have all or nothing.

Even The Right Wing King sent me a message today! Granted, it was a dirty joke about Whitney Houston, but still...

Oh! And I almost got arrested over a parking ticket from 2 years ago at Christmas! Awesome. I am so glad to see that the Blaine Police Department has nothing better to do than run in women for parking in handicap parking spots!

So, like I said, F¥(# You Valentine's day. I am glad you are over. It wasn't a drama filled day, I'm just over it.

The Quiet Brain

I am dating the Wolverine. He has an X-men name and I think his super power is silencing my brain. I keep waiting and waiting and waiting for that moment-that inevitable moment-when my insecurities go on overdrive and I freak out on the person that I'm dating. But it seems like whenever I am around him that all of that gets set aside and I can concentrate on talking with him.

I haven't quite figured out how he does it, this furry force field of his. Trying to decide if it is some sort of mind game. You know, like a trick to make me think that there is no reason to be insecure and crazy.

Here's the thing though: my gut says, "Trust this man." HHmmmmm...I haven't trusted anyone in a very long time. I'm not even scared to trust him. Curse his superpowers! My defenses are non-existent with him, and honestly, they always have been. I remember when I first started talking to him months and months ago telling him really sensitive personal things. I don't feel a need to hide from him.

So, he may not be perfect. But who is, right? As long as our mutual weirdnesses line up, I think it should be fine.

Its all so different. Its not like being with Fuzzy Face which was wild and exciting. And its not like being with the Right Wing King where I never felt comfortable or good enough. How I feel when I am with Wolverine is similar to what happens to setting fire to a shot of whiskey: it burns slowly and evenly.

I feel weird talking about him. I still feel like I want to protect all of this and keep it for myself. As if I talk about this relationship the bubble will burst and he'll be gone too.

Is this love? I'm not sure yet. I think it could head in that direction. I can see Wolverine holding my hand through a lupus crisis. I can see myself getting ticked off at him for beating me at Scrabble all the damn time. Or listening to music all night...

For now I will sit and wonder about my quiet brain and how he accomplishes that. Scary quiet in there...

Lost in Space

I am at work tonight and you are on my mind hardcore. It's been this way for a couple of nights now. I feel like a junkie going through some kind of withdrawal. Trying to come up with a way to make it possible to be next to you for even an hour. Every damn song, joke, inferrence makes me think of you. The feeling is a sharp pain of loneliness and the dull ache of longing.

Now I have to sit with this feeling, which isn't awesome. It's not anyone's fault that I can't run to you and throw myself into your arms. It's just circumstances really. Knowing that doesn't soothe my mind much. It doesn't satisfy the physical hunger of need that goes all the way through me. It's not much of a comfort to see your name written somewhere and know that things can always change.

I haven't decided which is scarier to me: Not having you be able to commit to forever or never having you at all. Honestly right now I would trade my eye teeth-or at least one of them- to be cuddled up next to you. Okay, fine, truth be told, I want a little more than cuddling. We both know how I operate. I sometimes wish that lovin' was ALL I wanted from you. That may simplify everything.

I hate myself for feeling like I not only want someone but I need them. And not to fill some sort of cosmic space that is empty. Not to make up for my missing pieces. It makes me feel like a mess.

So, for now this is where I will lay these feelings down. I ache for you, your touch, your smell, your voice. As long as you know that it may be enough.

Introducing...

So I need a new character name for a recent-well not REALLY that recent-addition to my life. But what's odd is that I don't want to go on and on about them. I want it to be sort of my special secret to savor. Isn't that odd for me? I feel like I want to cherish this little bit of time all for myself.

Why haven't I done this before? I would hate to say that Fuzzy Face or The Pickle weren't special to me-Fuzzy especially-but I feel differently about this person. Fuzzy Face was so outgoing and gregarious that I guess I never worried about bragging about him or writing about him, you know? But now I feel differently.

However, this person is pretty jazzed about the whole code name idea. Except he wants a "cool" one. What defines cool? Because for God's sake, I find the programming on TLC cool. But I do love "The X Men" so maybe I will channel something like that. There is a lot of pressure! This person and I have been going around and around for months and months and the timing wasn't right. And I am still not sure if this is the absolute best time but when is? You have to start something to see where if anywhere its going to go.

When you are with one person and constantly wondering about another person, you are probably with the wrong person. And that makes me feel sad and guilty about staying with Fuzzy Face as long as I did. Was I using him for sex? Was I using him to cut through the loneliness? Was I using him to get the crazy rebound out of my system? Maybe yes to all of them. I do care for him very much. If he wanted to go out for drinks tomorrow I would. If he needed someone to watch his girls I would. I wish him well and hope to remain a friend to him.

So while I might be on the cusp of something grand with as yet unnamed person, I have a twinge of guilt of it being so close on the heels of my breakup. If I was an outsider I don't think I would think I am a bad person. Why do I obsess so much?? Dang.