It's after midnight...I have taken all my meds...my head and neck fucking hurt...and I am WIDE awake. DAMMIT! I may have a beetle growing in my brain. It hurts so bad...
Okay, there's about a million things running through my mind as well. I have such a hard time getting my brain to quiet down when there is so much going on in there. So now I am going to lay most of it out here for public consumption...
I got into a fight with my younger brother yesterday. He told me that he quit his job. When I asked him why, he said that it was because of me. WHAT?!!?? Fuzzy Face and I were offered the opportunity to purchase tickets to a concert that he had been looking. My brother got pissed off because I wouldn't give him mine or sell him mine. He picked a fight with me about how I think that the world revolves around me, that I am always looking for sympathy and attention, that I am an addict just like him but my drugs are prescribed to me so no one thinks I am (I do in fact get vicodin prescribed to me for migraines, but I take like 3 a month). I wound up saying something hurtful to him, and I feel pretty bad about it. I did apologize pretty quickly after saying it, but it was out there...
Sigh...I am feeling fairly insecure lately. I'm not sure why. I might just be building it up in my brain because I can't sleep all the time. Fuzzy Face would probably say I am being "woman crazy" and it may be true. I am going on vacation next week and maybe I am a little worried he will replace me while I am gone. Same kind of insecurities I always have when it comes to him. You know: I'm not good enough, or funny enough, or pretty enough, or hot enough to keep him. Maybe I am taking over things that I shouldn't yet. God, I HAVE to get over that...That fucking liar of a voice inside my head needs to have its mouth duct taped shut. Because I know what I look like! For a heavy girl I look really pretty. Hell, for an average sized girl I look good!
Vacation! I am going to Tucson next week on Wednesday. I get to see all my friends from down there. I am going to eat a TON of delicious food! I am going to soak up the sunshine and visit Sabino Canyon. And I wanna go horseback riding. The drive south on 10 is going to be EPIC! I miss that drive at 95 miles an hour with the windows rolled down and the stereo cranked..."Wild West Show" by Big and Rich never sounds so good. Javalinas! Ross! Sonoran Style Hot Dogs!
My life is good right now. I don't know when I have been so damn CONTENT, which is even better than happy. Content makes me feel like everything is lined up the way it should be. I think I am scared that its going to get taken away from me. How do I get over it? When will I realize that this is what might be the start of the next part of my life? I should just relax and breathe....
So, if Fuzzy Face tells you that I MOVED to Arizona, he's lying. Its just a visit. I'll be home soon.
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