John Mayer Revisited

I have said before that rediscovering John Mayer changed my attitude. I am still a little obsessed with his music. Although if I listen to some of it when I am feeling melancholy I wish I was making that exceedingly long drive to make love to a giant man in the basement bed that we shared. Don't you ever long for someone that used to be? I know I do.

HOWEVER! That is not what this post is going to be about. My man John Mayer has a new album and it has this really great song called "Shadow Days" on it. It touches my soul. The chorus goes like this:

"Hard times have helped me see: I'm a good man with a good heart, had a tough time and a rough start, but I've finally learned to let it go. Now I'm right here and I'm right now and I'm open, knowin' somehow, my shadow days are over now."

That's how I am feeling about now. I am figuring my life out. I am learning what I want and what I don't. Also, I am realizing that I don't have to carry around all the garbage of my past all the time.

Mostly I have started to learn that there is no shame in what has happened to me. I can say out loud...okay, maybe not loudly, but I can whisper, "I have survived and I get to LIVE now." No one can take my power from me anymore. I get to say what happens to me and who gets to be in my universe. And I am in control of who touches me and for what purpose. No one will ever get to hit me again or grab me for their own misguided reasons.

Sometimes I wonder if my Bulldogge gets how hard it is for me to tell him these things. Lord knows Fuzzy never heard it all and what he did hear he understood immediately. Really, I've never told anybody else. Explaining it is so difficult. And painful. I really hate hearing, "Its okay, you don't have to tell me." If you love me and are going to attempt to take care of me, you need to know these things. Because what happens the first time I have a night terror and you can't wake me? What happens if I have a full on raging panic attack while having sex? (And yes, that has happened to me) I can't control that stuff...

My shadow days ARE in fact over. I am actively seeking out happiness and balance. My anxiety is lower. And I am not NEARLY as high strung as I thought! I am pretty funny, and fun. I'm one foul mouthed woman who doesn't like to drink as much as I used to. I am less tired and in less pain since I have stopped running from myself.

"It sucks to be honest, and it hurts to be real. But its nice to make some love that I can finally feel" Amen Brother Mayer. Amen. From your mouth to God's ears.