Workin' Hard

So this picture was taken in my bathroom about 20 minutes ago. I am down about 50 pounds. I have about 28 to go. My hope has been just to become non-plus sized. Where I go from there I'm not sure. How have I made it this far? Let's talk about that tonight.

The truth is that I initially started out wanting to get gastric bypass. I figured it was my only hope; the only way for me to beat my addiction to the food coma. I had so little left of what I thought was myself that I was willing to do ANYTHING to at least get my hotness back. Because even though I never trusted anything else about me, I always knew I was pretty. Maybe not smart, maybe not witty, maybe not athletic or sexy or whatever else...but pretty I had on lockdown.

However...I am smart enough to know that if I only addressed the physical issue of being able to hold a ton of food in my gut that the surgery would only accomplish so much. Around the time I got served with my divorce papers I started therapy with probably the best therapist I could have found for myself. She has an innate sense of how to get me thinking in new directions and she is just so good at getting me to talk about what's going on behind the "Plastic Karin" I present to the world. Therapy sucks a lot of times. I leave there feeling so emotionally spent that I am worthless the rest of the day.

Also I worked closely with a dietician to relearn how to eat. Its been a challenge. I don't like fruit, but I LOVE veggies. I'm sure that sounds weird since I am such a junk food junkie. A food journal! (I hate that thing and keep trying to ditch it, but I have to admit that it helps) Water instead of soda-and I mean ANY soda. No fast food, or well limiting it. If anyone had told me a year ago that I could ENJOY living on 1,500 calories a day I would have asked them to share whatever meds they were on.

Exercise has been a challenge so far. God it sucks ass. I'm starting to get into it now though. Its the Bulldogge's fault. He made me join the gym in order to start dating him...that was all the motivation I needed!! Getting to hang out with him for that time was worth having to work out. There have been setbacks: I broke my foot, I can think up about 6,000 reasons not to go to the gym, and my Irish Bulldogge is now my boyfriend so there is one less carrot dangling out there to get me to go.

So that is how my story begins. Its been hard hard work. I need to consistently remind myself that I am worth working for. I do still have what I would call "relapses". I binge occasionally. I get overwhelmed to the point of snapping and the only option left seems like food.

I am getting well both physically and emotionally. I am worth it. And I can do this.