Shake and Bake!

Son turns 20-yes, TWENTY- in the early hours of the morning.  I'm not entirely sure that I m ready for that. I don't know that HE'S ready for that. I don't want this to come off as some contrived "I adore Son and our relationship is PERFECT" piece...because that's not reality.

There are so many things that we haven't talked over that I want to, but I never know if its the right time. I know that on a certain level he must have anger towards me for so many unanswered questions and things that he remembers through the eyes of a small child. And I wonder about his feelings on the past. Maybe he is like the Baboon in "The Lion King"..."You can't change it, it is in he past"...but there are  million things I would like to explain.

I am so amazed at the man he is becoming. He is a hard headed SOB, that's for sure. Son will find a way to make what he wants happen. Its incredible. He is not just a dreamer who  never see his dreams to fruition. If  Son says he will, it will be done before I have time to think about it twice. Son can bust down walls!

Caring is a word I would use to describe my boy. He is so good to the Tiger and probably the only person in the world that the Tiger trusts. Son wears his heart on his sleeve. His feelings are right on the surface and that must be hard sometimes. Okay,  I know how hard that is, since I have the same struggle.

So on his birthday, I hope Son knows that I respect him. That I LIKE him. I would choose him for a friend. I want him to know that I want to keep working on our relationship. My hope is that he understands that he can come to me with any questions...and I do mean ANY question. We will continue to grow and change but we can still love each other. Family-true family-is all anyone can count on in this world.

Magic Man, this is El Diablo reminding you....SHAKE AND BAKE! YOU'LL BE MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER!

So This is Christmas

I have always hated Christmas.  It has represented this forced idea of family perfection to me.  And like most things connected to my childhood has always made me feel inadequate.  I was pretty far from the perfect child in a wildly imperfect family.  I swear that even at eight years old I knew that the forced family time was most CERTAINLY not for me.

My response to my previous experience has been to stop exchanging gifts in my family.  I figured it would lower the pressure threshold for everyone.  We instead roll dice and win our gifts.  The gifts then are not so much the focus and the family time is.  No one really cares if they win Silly Putty and Antonio Banderas cologne.  It's just that we laugh and joke and play for a few hours as friends and feel beloved.

This year I spent my first Christmas with the Bulldogge, the Irish Pope, an  the  rest of their family.  Let me admit this: When we left, I cried.  In my entire married life I never unwrapped a present except from my son.  I had never received a gift from my in- laws.  I bought my own gifts from the Right Wing King.  In fact, I do not believe that I have received a gift that I didn't pick since Son was born.

It hit me hard to feel love.  It surprised me to be thought of and appreciated and liked.  I wanted to hug my new mother and sister in law hard and never ever let go.  I wanted to express how special they had made me feel.  For once I wanted to spill the beans about what my life had been.  Mostly because I know that it wouldn't matter and that my MIL would just have held me and rocked me until I was cried out and then fed me a cookie.

So I have learned about what I was missing.  I am figuring out how awesome this family can be.  There are safe people beyond Son, BMD, The Tiger, and UB.  I am a lucky, lucky, lucky girl.  Not only do I get the awesome guy, I get the love of his family as well.

Well, this is one of the giant steps I am taking in owning my life.  Accepting that I am love worthy.  And not just by a man.  By many.

My Time is Now

I am going to change my life. Like BIG change.  I am going to start doing what makes me happy.  Without worrying about if it makes me look crazier than I already do.

I have decided to love myself.  To like myself.  To see myself the way many others see me.  I am going to convince myself that I am worth working for.

I am tired of beating myself up and treating myself like garbage.  I am like an addict in my insanity and mistreatment of myself.  I will accept anything.  And it feels pretty rotten.  Especially since I am allowing myself to do it.

There are no reasons left to discount myself.  I am getting the help I need.  I have the love and acceptance of an outstanding man.  My son is grown and is such a fine young man.  It is my time.  Now I will chase down what I have every right to have.

It is time to pick up my guitars again.  Its time to take out my anger with muay tai lessons.  I will force my man into dance leasons.  I am going to become a doctor.  My wardrobe will be beautiful and bold, like the woman that wears it.

So my Christmas present to myself is love and acceptance.  Yay me!  Wish me luck, and love, and happiness

The Difference

Today's musing are in response to something the Bulldogge asks all the time.  He really does. (For you pelicans who think you know everything about the Bulldogge, you don't live with him.  What you see isn't always what you get)

Bulldogge is constantly bugging me about why my feelings are different for him than they are for Fuzzy Face.  I think that Bulldogge has this notion that my feelings for him are somehow inferior to those that I have for Fuzzy.  So my hope is to clear this up for him.

My sweet Bulldogge, you are strong and single minded.  Being with you is sometimes a challenge for me since I feel like you have this notion of love and romance that is not me at all.  And yes, you have to work hard at the fun stuff. I am sometimes scared of talking to you about things because I know that you won't give your opinion.  If I ask you, I WANT to know what you think.  Its important to me.  "Whatever you want is fine." is like your classic line.  That puts too much pressure on me.  What if I choose wrong?  It makes me feel like you are uninvolved in the relationship.  It scares me and makes me feel alone.

However, your strength means safety.  No one will ever get to hurt me again.  And you make me laugh all the time. And you are man beautiful.  And anything worth having is worth working for.  Even if I have to learn a whole new language to do it!  Oh, and even though it scares me to death, I love you.

On the flip side, we have Fuzzy Face.  He is all about a good time.  I can tell him anything at anytime.  I miss being lead into a room like a prize.  I miss banter and flirting and harassing each other all the time.  I miss reading the newspaper at a cafe in the morning.  I miss snuggling with him and the girls.  I sometimes miss that feeling of BELONGING with someone else.  I miss the giant sigh of relief as I walk through the doorway to his house that whatever is bothering me can be forgotten.

Fuzzy Face likes women too much though.  He's like a kid at Christmas with a giant box of chocolates that just wants to find out what flavor each one is.  He'll crack its shell, or take a nibble of this one, or a lick of that one.  Which many women can understand and handle.  But I just can't.  I want it ALL.  The love, the passion, the friendship, the family, and to be enough for my man.  I don't think that I alone can or will ever meet all his needs.  I wish him luck in his search.

So there you have it.  While Fuzzy Face is a ton of fun, being with him will never give me what I want in the long run.  Yes, I love and have loved him.  However, Bulldogge is the right man in the right place at the right time.  Our goals are the same and while he frustrates me, I can see myself as a little old lady drinking cocktails and rocking on a porch with him someplace sunny.  When I touch the Bulldogge's cheek I feel genuine love there.  The man waited a long time for me.

And NO, I am not settling.  I have always had a choice.  I think I am making the right one.

Oh, and I got involved with the Bulldogge, so it is partly my fault that I am not enough for Fuzzy.  I have not been fully available.  Even so, I doubt that in the end Fuzzy would ever choose me.

Thanksgiving

As a rule, I do not enjoy the traditional holidays.  But as I am growing and becoming more healthy I am realizing that I am allowed to build my own traditions for my family.  And this year I have plenty in my heart to be grateful for and I have decided to share some of it with you, dear readers.

I am thankful that I have survived my first year post divorce. It has been very difficult for me to attempt to rebuild my life. It has been hard to learn to handle things myself and not always have someone to solve my problems for me.  My marriage was by NO means a picnic or even remotely healthy in its final years, but having to do and face so much alone has been very challenging for me.

I am thankful that Son is growing into such a fine young man (even though I'm not supposed to write about him).  He is so good with The Tiger and managing things for him.  Like last night when Son was working on my car, he had The Tiger right there next to him as his assistant, like its the most natural thing in the world.  Their relationship is beautiful.  I am amazed at his wisdom and his abilities at his age.  I now not only love him because he is my son, I like and respect the person that he is becoming.  Its finally all coming together for him and I couldn't be prouder.

I am thankful for the BMD.  She puts up with a lot and still chooses to be a member of our family.  She is such a beautiful, ethereal creature.  She looks so fragile, but she is one of the strongest women I've ever met.

I am thankful for my work.  I am proud of being a nurse and working with people, even the ones that drive me crazy.

I am thankful for the Bulldogge and our continued efforts to build something together.  He really loves me...even if at times he is a little over enthusiastic about it.  I guess that is just the Bulldogge in him. I hope that we can  strike a balance and figure each other out.

I am thankful the the Vikings are having a pretty good season.

I am thankful for my dear friend Fuzzy Face.  What can I say about him that I haven't already?  He makes a good sounding board and challenges me to go after what I deserve.  I do still wanna kick him in the shin for breaking my heart a couple of times.  But when you care for someone you have to care about ALL the parts of them, not just the ones you like.

I am thankful for the Busty Bus Driver and the Liquor Lunch Lady for their friendship and support.  We always have such a great time and laugh until our sides hurt.  I am glad I can text BBD anytime I want to kill someone and she makes it all okay again.

I am thankful that the marriage amendment passed.  Love is love and who the hell has the right to say who someone can be married to.  Marriage DOES make a difference. Its not "just a piece of paper" and it does change the tone of a relationship.

I am thankful for my brilliant therapist!  Without all of her hard work and dedication I would not be here to celebrate this year. Of this I am certain. She has helped make my life livable and enjoyable!

I am thankful for The Tiger and his unwavering love for me.  I will have a man in my life that loves me that much and thinks that I am a precious jewel one of these days.  He was my first love and is truly my hero.  I cannot believe the strength he has every day.  The Tiger amazes me in his ferocity and his gentleness.  He make me smile from my heart.

Alright, dear readers, I am getting long winded.  Go and enjoy your feasts.

Mitch

I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I hate you, you son of a bitch; I hate you for my feeling this way, so lost and forlorn and just not good enough.  I hate you for being out with someone obviously more seductive and sexy and smarter and funnier and wittier than me.

And then I remember that this is mostly my fault.  I moved on. Or at least I wanted to and thought that I had.  I pushed you aside, not the other way around.  Fuck I'm stupid.  I think I knew it at the time too.  Ultimately I hurt someone else who probably really does love me.

Even then, in the final days of us being together, I never felt like I was enough to sustain your interest or passion.  Why do I keep hoping? What drives me to this insane place that says that tomorrow morning you will wake up and love me.  Only me?

I stare at this page through unshed tears.  I told you not long ago that I didn't want to live a life where I didn't jump for what I want.  And you said, "If you are interested in losing the drama in your life let me know".  Why didn't you tell me then that there was another, better, prettier woman who is ENOUGH?  More than I can be to you?  More than worth the effort?  I believed you. I bought it.  You got me.

When will I get to be more than a warm body in your bed? Do I even want to be?  My hope is that I learn from this.  I hope that I learn that I have to stand up for myself faster.  Speak my mind and heart without fear of being thought crazy.  And to jump.  Jump when my gut (and my heart) says the time is right and not when my brain gives me permission.

My heartache is lessening each day.  I am not hopeful about the probability of there ever being an "us".  I am growing and moving on.  It blows, let me tell you.  For a girl who has spent much of her life not feeling to feel that much heartache all at once was indescribable.  At least now I know that there is hope for me to have emotions, REAL ones.

For that, I will be forever in your debt.  Thank you.  Really, I mean it.

What the Hell am I Doing?

I know love.  I have smelled it, had it smack me in the ass, tasted it, heard love whisper in my ear, and seen it in the eyes of another.  When it showed up I knew exactly what it was.  Of course I ran like hell.

Love seems so dangerous to me.  At least real love does.  The one that found me does.  Is this how it is for everyone?  It means opening up and laying bare all of one's secrets.  I didn't even get to do that on my own schedule...the person that cares for me can see all of my mess.  Right through all of my cover up and well rehearsed lines.  Dammit!

The challenge is that I messed up.  I freaked out.  Not only did I take off like a fat kid for a Krispy Kreme, I decided to try my luck elsewhere.  Not a good idea.  Dangerous of an entirely different kind.

I am sad.  I want my love.  It may be unconventional.  That's okay, when we are together nothing else matters, and I am certain that I am the only one he has eyes for.

Now the trick is to get healthy.  I want to be the best I can be.  Even if my love isn't coming back when I figure my next move out.  (Oh he is fabulous.  And he digs me!)

I'm excited.  Life is going to be good.  Even if its not what I am expecting.