I am confused by the feelings I am having today. Okay, these aren't just today's feelings. I have been struggling with this for awhile. I'll start writing about it, quit, start over, feel guilty, quit, and on and on. I'm not sure if what I am experiencing is unique to me, normal, or somewhere in between.
I don't understand if I should continue to care about or be concerned with things that a person that I love chooses not to. I am fearful of unhealthy relationships. For whatever reason, the issues I am having feel wrong. As in not normal. Not like morally wrong or anything like that, just not healthy for me and my relationship.
I am only a mother to one person on this planet and a part time mother to one other. I don't see why I need to tell grown ass people that they need to care for themselves. And in basic ways! It is not what I signed on for. Also, I stated early on in the relationship a very clear expectation that the person care for a chronic condition the best they could and I would offer help and guidance as my education and experience allowed.
Does it make me a bad person for not wanting to hand hold and get angry all the time? Can I survive with this long term? Am I wrong for not wanting to coddle someone who is to be my partner? I am angry. Really angry. And confused.
A hundred years ago when Son was in treatment I learned a lot about how to build healthier relationships. I know that I cannot make someone do anything they don't want to. I can't make someone care about things they choose not to. Which may be why I feel like the expectation that I continue to try is so wrong.
Then there is a part that worries that there is a deeper issue at hand than laziness. I take some of it deeply personally. The sleeping for 15 hours at a crack. The expectation that I chase around and make sure everything in place. The disregard for my boundaries. The lack of respect for my beliefs.
I do not wish to spend my life as a constantly bitching shrew. Is that wrong? I don't want to prematurely age myself by being in a consistent state of anger/resentment/frustration. I am making myself sick with it.
This person is a good, decent, upstanding, caring person. It is not a relationship I wish to lose. It a relationship that I am willing to tolerate a certain level of craziness in. I have no doubt this person loves me.
I'm not sure what I can or will do with all of these feelings. Can you stop a relationship with someone based on the fact that they don't take care if themselves and you can't stand to watch or be the person nagging them to do it? Ain't nobody got time for that.
Well as your sister, you don't have to take care of someone else. That is called co-dependence and it is not healthy. Your job is to take care of yourself, and let the other person do the same. You're not a bad person, neither are they. Only you can make the choices that are good for you. Read some Melanie Beattie material about co-dependency if you are into that kind of thing. Your partner lived this long without you hand holding him about his issues. I'm sure he will be fine no matter what you choose to do.
ReplyDeleteAddendum: This is what I think about when I face these situations. If I were to drop dead right now would these people continue to survive without me? A little morbid, but it helps put things in perspective.
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