A Bulldogge Blog

I don't know that I have ever been this calm while in love. I know what's going to happen today. And the day after. And all the days that come. Not in bad boring way, but in a "I know who I'm coming home to" way.

We all know that I am a scratch and dent person. I come preblemished and slightly bruised like fruit at Aldi. Which I know now that there is nothing wrong with, but most people won't take the chance.

Now I have my Irish Bulldogge. The more I get to know him, the more I like him. Yes, I said "LIKE". I think that like speaks more to respect than love. At least new love. New love is all chemical combustion. I want a slow, steady, even burn. Don't get me wrong...We have PLENTY of of chemical combustion! Irish Bulldogge is so handsome that I can't get over it. He makes me stupid sometimes. How did I get so lucky??!? (Thank you Facebook!!)

I know that Bulldogge feels unsure sometimes. But I am full blown, head-over-heels, flat out in love with this man. Without a moment's hesitation. He is on my mind all the time and I am so happy and proud to be slowly building a life with him. I don't want to be without him now.

Sweet, sweet, bad ass Bulldogge...Being with you is one of the best surprises of my life. You have no idea how much I love you. Who would have guessed? Even Son likes you...he doesn't even like me half the time. That is impressive.

Please do not for one second think that you are not enough, Lover. I am honored to have you as my man. I am excited for our life to get started (finally!). You are SO worth the wait.

Workin' Hard

So this picture was taken in my bathroom about 20 minutes ago. I am down about 50 pounds. I have about 28 to go. My hope has been just to become non-plus sized. Where I go from there I'm not sure. How have I made it this far? Let's talk about that tonight.

The truth is that I initially started out wanting to get gastric bypass. I figured it was my only hope; the only way for me to beat my addiction to the food coma. I had so little left of what I thought was myself that I was willing to do ANYTHING to at least get my hotness back. Because even though I never trusted anything else about me, I always knew I was pretty. Maybe not smart, maybe not witty, maybe not athletic or sexy or whatever else...but pretty I had on lockdown.

However...I am smart enough to know that if I only addressed the physical issue of being able to hold a ton of food in my gut that the surgery would only accomplish so much. Around the time I got served with my divorce papers I started therapy with probably the best therapist I could have found for myself. She has an innate sense of how to get me thinking in new directions and she is just so good at getting me to talk about what's going on behind the "Plastic Karin" I present to the world. Therapy sucks a lot of times. I leave there feeling so emotionally spent that I am worthless the rest of the day.

Also I worked closely with a dietician to relearn how to eat. Its been a challenge. I don't like fruit, but I LOVE veggies. I'm sure that sounds weird since I am such a junk food junkie. A food journal! (I hate that thing and keep trying to ditch it, but I have to admit that it helps) Water instead of soda-and I mean ANY soda. No fast food, or well limiting it. If anyone had told me a year ago that I could ENJOY living on 1,500 calories a day I would have asked them to share whatever meds they were on.

Exercise has been a challenge so far. God it sucks ass. I'm starting to get into it now though. Its the Bulldogge's fault. He made me join the gym in order to start dating him...that was all the motivation I needed!! Getting to hang out with him for that time was worth having to work out. There have been setbacks: I broke my foot, I can think up about 6,000 reasons not to go to the gym, and my Irish Bulldogge is now my boyfriend so there is one less carrot dangling out there to get me to go.

So that is how my story begins. Its been hard hard work. I need to consistently remind myself that I am worth working for. I do still have what I would call "relapses". I binge occasionally. I get overwhelmed to the point of snapping and the only option left seems like food.

I am getting well both physically and emotionally. I am worth it. And I can do this.

The Fat Girl Speaks About Being Fat

I REALLY hate this picture of me. Like A LOT. It was taken on the day Son turned 18. What makes me even more mad is that I gained about 15 more pounds after that. I didn't even care. I was in survival mode the only way I knew how.

First, you must understand that drugs scare the ever lovin' crap outta me. I have never so much as tried a cigarette. So doing drugs to escape my feelings was out of the question. At some point during nursing school I discovered the food coma. Oh, it was fan-freaking-tastic.

I loved the planning out what I was going to prepare for myself or what I was going to go out and order. I would eat and eat and eat until I was almost sick. Then I would take a nice hot bath and pass out for hours with the TV tuned to some wedding show. The escape was so sweet. I loved to just sleep and dream. I would try to sleep until I absolutely HAD to do something. I was resentful of anything extra that I had to do. And how the pounds piled on!

My marriage, financial picture, child's life, professional life, and personal feelings were burning down around me. It didn't bother me. My food was keeping me as well as all of my fear and anxiety completely numb. Its hard to express your thoughts when you have a giant spoonful of Ben & Jerry's in your mouth.

Last September I had finally had enough of not taking care of me. It has been a slow prossess but I am working so hard at it. I'm going to continue to write about what I'm doing and how I am doing it. I can't promise you that what I talk about will be motivational or inspiring, but I promise that I will always be honest.

For the record: My name is The Fat Girl and I am a compulsive over eater.

John Mayer Revisited

I have said before that rediscovering John Mayer changed my attitude. I am still a little obsessed with his music. Although if I listen to some of it when I am feeling melancholy I wish I was making that exceedingly long drive to make love to a giant man in the basement bed that we shared. Don't you ever long for someone that used to be? I know I do.

HOWEVER! That is not what this post is going to be about. My man John Mayer has a new album and it has this really great song called "Shadow Days" on it. It touches my soul. The chorus goes like this:

"Hard times have helped me see: I'm a good man with a good heart, had a tough time and a rough start, but I've finally learned to let it go. Now I'm right here and I'm right now and I'm open, knowin' somehow, my shadow days are over now."

That's how I am feeling about now. I am figuring my life out. I am learning what I want and what I don't. Also, I am realizing that I don't have to carry around all the garbage of my past all the time.

Mostly I have started to learn that there is no shame in what has happened to me. I can say out loud...okay, maybe not loudly, but I can whisper, "I have survived and I get to LIVE now." No one can take my power from me anymore. I get to say what happens to me and who gets to be in my universe. And I am in control of who touches me and for what purpose. No one will ever get to hit me again or grab me for their own misguided reasons.

Sometimes I wonder if my Bulldogge gets how hard it is for me to tell him these things. Lord knows Fuzzy never heard it all and what he did hear he understood immediately. Really, I've never told anybody else. Explaining it is so difficult. And painful. I really hate hearing, "Its okay, you don't have to tell me." If you love me and are going to attempt to take care of me, you need to know these things. Because what happens the first time I have a night terror and you can't wake me? What happens if I have a full on raging panic attack while having sex? (And yes, that has happened to me) I can't control that stuff...

My shadow days ARE in fact over. I am actively seeking out happiness and balance. My anxiety is lower. And I am not NEARLY as high strung as I thought! I am pretty funny, and fun. I'm one foul mouthed woman who doesn't like to drink as much as I used to. I am less tired and in less pain since I have stopped running from myself.

"It sucks to be honest, and it hurts to be real. But its nice to make some love that I can finally feel" Amen Brother Mayer. Amen. From your mouth to God's ears.