How Can I Say What Needs to be Said?

I love my Bulldogge. Of that I am certain. Like it feels as if my ring is missing from my left hand in love. His cozy dog house will be my home. Irish Bulldogge is the end of the line. I am beside myself with joy and relief.

Here is the issue that I have to resolve within myself: How do I get past my fear of opening my mouth to say what is going on in my head? There are things that I need to say to him, just to smooth out the wrinkles. You know, just small explainations of what works for me, how my mind interprets things, the best way to handle me...and most importantly and most scary: my past.

The fear of saying anything to him can become overwhelming inside my body. My throat starts to close, the tears well up but won't fall, and I avoid saying ANYTHING. My heart races so fast it feels like my chest is going to burst and I will fall over.

I don't know what it is that makes it impossible to say what I want to the Bulldogge. I'm not sure if its him saying, "Its going to be okay" and "I'm here for you no matter what" like a hundred times a day. Or if it's wanting to be the perfect uncomplaining girlfriend or who knows what...

On the surface these phrases sound innocuous enough, almost comforting. However, in my life experience these things also have come to mean, "Shut up, I don't want to hear it." and "I will make your choices for you because you can't."

I know that my fear has nothing in the world to do with my Irish Bulldogge. Those that know him, including myself, know that he is one of the kindest souls you will ever have the good fortune to meet. He would probably stab himself in the arm if I said it would make me feel better. He would say, "Are you sure, woman? This is REALLY what you want?" first, but he'd do it.

So I am scared. For all the work that I have been doing I haven't been able to master saying what really counts. I am scared of hurting him accidentally, I am scared of him not wanting me anymore, I am scared that I will always be alone, I am scared to say what's happened to me, I am scared of being a freak, I am scared of being seen as fragile or crazy. Okay, we are all a little crazy.

It is a work in progress. I need to master this-or hell, at least try it-to make this a healthy and honest relationship. I hope IB is as all in as I am. Its true, he is...damn I love that man. Enough to force myself to do the work of getting better.