I am confused by the feelings I am having today. Okay, these aren't just today's feelings. I have been struggling with this for awhile. I'll start writing about it, quit, start over, feel guilty, quit, and on and on. I'm not sure if what I am experiencing is unique to me, normal, or somewhere in between.
I don't understand if I should continue to care about or be concerned with things that a person that I love chooses not to. I am fearful of unhealthy relationships. For whatever reason, the issues I am having feel wrong. As in not normal. Not like morally wrong or anything like that, just not healthy for me and my relationship.
I am only a mother to one person on this planet and a part time mother to one other. I don't see why I need to tell grown ass people that they need to care for themselves. And in basic ways! It is not what I signed on for. Also, I stated early on in the relationship a very clear expectation that the person care for a chronic condition the best they could and I would offer help and guidance as my education and experience allowed.
Does it make me a bad person for not wanting to hand hold and get angry all the time? Can I survive with this long term? Am I wrong for not wanting to coddle someone who is to be my partner? I am angry. Really angry. And confused.
A hundred years ago when Son was in treatment I learned a lot about how to build healthier relationships. I know that I cannot make someone do anything they don't want to. I can't make someone care about things they choose not to. Which may be why I feel like the expectation that I continue to try is so wrong.
Then there is a part that worries that there is a deeper issue at hand than laziness. I take some of it deeply personally. The sleeping for 15 hours at a crack. The expectation that I chase around and make sure everything in place. The disregard for my boundaries. The lack of respect for my beliefs.
I do not wish to spend my life as a constantly bitching shrew. Is that wrong? I don't want to prematurely age myself by being in a consistent state of anger/resentment/frustration. I am making myself sick with it.
This person is a good, decent, upstanding, caring person. It is not a relationship I wish to lose. It a relationship that I am willing to tolerate a certain level of craziness in. I have no doubt this person loves me.
I'm not sure what I can or will do with all of these feelings. Can you stop a relationship with someone based on the fact that they don't take care if themselves and you can't stand to watch or be the person nagging them to do it? Ain't nobody got time for that.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Friday, April 4, 2014
Never Ending Winter
Pretty tired of it snowing every other day. So is most of Minnesota, I know. I'm not special in that sense. And the fact that I chose to come back here from the wonderful (yet lonely) life of a travel nurse irritates me a little more each time we are covered in this winter wetness.
Oddly, I don't want to run. That freaks me out a little. I know that I will never travel for work or leisure alone again. I really feel like it wouldn't be as good, as refreshing, as freeing, as it was before. As I roll this over and over in my mind, I realize a couple of things: I am actually committed to my Bulldogge and I am becoming a much different person.
As recently as a year ago I was still on the run. I didn't know if I was running to something or away from something. It didn't matter, I didn't care, I just needed to R-U-N-N-O-F-T ( Like Mrs. Hogwollup in the movie " 'O Brother, Where Art Thou?"). Somewhere in the mountains I figured out: This isn't what I want anymore. I don't need it. I have a home now. Huh...how 'bout that...
I thought that I was going to be rootless for the rest of my life. All that being stationary had taught me was how to avoid getting hit, how to spew an insult so cutting that it goes straight to the bone, how to endure not being loved fully, and how to block out EVERYTHING with music. Those aren't things that I desired for the rest of my life. I wasn't going back to that again.
So, I started running. Even while I was married to The Right Wing King. I would set out as often, as fast, and as long as I could. When I couldn't physically escape, I would take off emotionally. Just disappear and withdraw from everything and everyone, including Son. I drank, I slept for hours and days on end, I blew off my responsibilities with abandon. I ceased to function. Its a miracle I finished nursing school.
Now I am dealing with the repercussions of existing that way. It took several years for Son to trust what I would say. My credit is trashed. My professional life had been in shambles-I have even been called into the Board of Nursing because of it. I struggle daily with remaining sober and sometimes lose the battle. Undoing all this damage has taxed me greatly.
Each successful day is a huge victory for me. It is hard to admit what I have done to myself and my relationships. Even following through with phone calls can be a struggle. I would love to bury myself in my covers and never come out sometimes. It can get pretty dark and hopeless here in my head.
Yet I have gained so much! I don't have to remember lies that I have told. I can call my son without the fear of running into his rage. I can be more open with people. I no longer have to hide behind a fake persona. I am what I am and that's all that I am...Who knew Popeye was such a great philosopher?
Today, looking out at the snow falling down, while I am tired of driving in it I enjoy being home. Home in my house, home in my own body, home in my own mind, and home in the arms of a man that adores me. I have a long way to go to being fully healed but I am hopeful I can make it there.
Oddly, I don't want to run. That freaks me out a little. I know that I will never travel for work or leisure alone again. I really feel like it wouldn't be as good, as refreshing, as freeing, as it was before. As I roll this over and over in my mind, I realize a couple of things: I am actually committed to my Bulldogge and I am becoming a much different person.
As recently as a year ago I was still on the run. I didn't know if I was running to something or away from something. It didn't matter, I didn't care, I just needed to R-U-N-N-O-F-T ( Like Mrs. Hogwollup in the movie " 'O Brother, Where Art Thou?"). Somewhere in the mountains I figured out: This isn't what I want anymore. I don't need it. I have a home now. Huh...how 'bout that...
I thought that I was going to be rootless for the rest of my life. All that being stationary had taught me was how to avoid getting hit, how to spew an insult so cutting that it goes straight to the bone, how to endure not being loved fully, and how to block out EVERYTHING with music. Those aren't things that I desired for the rest of my life. I wasn't going back to that again.
So, I started running. Even while I was married to The Right Wing King. I would set out as often, as fast, and as long as I could. When I couldn't physically escape, I would take off emotionally. Just disappear and withdraw from everything and everyone, including Son. I drank, I slept for hours and days on end, I blew off my responsibilities with abandon. I ceased to function. Its a miracle I finished nursing school.
Now I am dealing with the repercussions of existing that way. It took several years for Son to trust what I would say. My credit is trashed. My professional life had been in shambles-I have even been called into the Board of Nursing because of it. I struggle daily with remaining sober and sometimes lose the battle. Undoing all this damage has taxed me greatly.
Each successful day is a huge victory for me. It is hard to admit what I have done to myself and my relationships. Even following through with phone calls can be a struggle. I would love to bury myself in my covers and never come out sometimes. It can get pretty dark and hopeless here in my head.
Yet I have gained so much! I don't have to remember lies that I have told. I can call my son without the fear of running into his rage. I can be more open with people. I no longer have to hide behind a fake persona. I am what I am and that's all that I am...Who knew Popeye was such a great philosopher?
Today, looking out at the snow falling down, while I am tired of driving in it I enjoy being home. Home in my house, home in my own body, home in my own mind, and home in the arms of a man that adores me. I have a long way to go to being fully healed but I am hopeful I can make it there.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Happy Birthday, UB!
The Universe (or God, Allah, the Great Spirit, fill in your deity of choice) blessed me with 2 brothers. One older, Mr. Mechanic, who is my same: perfectionist, family first at all costs, love with your whole heart yet trust no one 100%, workaholic, problem solver. And then one younger, UB, who happens to be sometimes all I WISH I could be: Carefree, no dependents, no attachments, do all that is fun, and be beholden to no one. It happens to be UB's birthday, and that always stirs up some feelings.
Do you remember the movie, "The Green Mile"? In it John Coffey says, "He killed them with they love, that's the way it happens all over the world, everyday". In a way that reminds me of the way UB and I were raised. Except I heard, "Blood is thicker than water, and you take care of your brother no matter what".
It has lead to this interesting, symbiotic, enmeshed relationship that sometimes runs my life. I love him and I hate him. He feels the same about me. It may not be 100% healthy. There has never been a time when we apart for very long.
How do I pick the right relationship to follow sometimes? Do I pick what makes ME happy or do I pick what makes US happy? Do I settle on what is most accepting of us as a package with all of our shared weirdness?
When I look at my life, I do not see a time without UB in it. In my therapy I spend a great deal of time working out all of the mismatched feelings I have about my relationship with UB. Can I be healthy and the same person he expects me to be? Can our relationship have healthy boundaries after 36 years? I don't know. It's hard to say.
For now however, I shall say, "Happy Birthday Bob". I am happy you are my brother. I am happy you are in my life. I am blessed that you have stuck by me through all of our ups and downs. I love you even when I hate you. You have always been my best friend and will be until the end of our days. What is it we always say? We are together for the rest of our days? We are together until and when all the others have gone away? Until our last breath we will defend each other. We are the only ones who know what it was like for all those days and nights.
Happy birthday. I am hoping for a great many more. I toast you tonight in the hope that we have a great many more birthdays to spend together. I love you. For real.
Do you remember the movie, "The Green Mile"? In it John Coffey says, "He killed them with they love, that's the way it happens all over the world, everyday". In a way that reminds me of the way UB and I were raised. Except I heard, "Blood is thicker than water, and you take care of your brother no matter what".
It has lead to this interesting, symbiotic, enmeshed relationship that sometimes runs my life. I love him and I hate him. He feels the same about me. It may not be 100% healthy. There has never been a time when we apart for very long.
How do I pick the right relationship to follow sometimes? Do I pick what makes ME happy or do I pick what makes US happy? Do I settle on what is most accepting of us as a package with all of our shared weirdness?
When I look at my life, I do not see a time without UB in it. In my therapy I spend a great deal of time working out all of the mismatched feelings I have about my relationship with UB. Can I be healthy and the same person he expects me to be? Can our relationship have healthy boundaries after 36 years? I don't know. It's hard to say.
For now however, I shall say, "Happy Birthday Bob". I am happy you are my brother. I am happy you are in my life. I am blessed that you have stuck by me through all of our ups and downs. I love you even when I hate you. You have always been my best friend and will be until the end of our days. What is it we always say? We are together for the rest of our days? We are together until and when all the others have gone away? Until our last breath we will defend each other. We are the only ones who know what it was like for all those days and nights.
Happy birthday. I am hoping for a great many more. I toast you tonight in the hope that we have a great many more birthdays to spend together. I love you. For real.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Full on Freak Out
Do you every have one of those mornings when you wake up and think, "I hate pretty much everything about my life at this second?" Okay, that's probably an overstatement, but you get the idea.
I am super tired of how I look physically. I am attempting to eat right, only to allow myself to be sabotaged by "Date Night" or my brother's left over half pack of cookies or White Castle (because you can never eat only one), or the delicious Chinese buffet up the street.
I believe-and have always felt-that my eating reflects my current emotional state; which at this moment is out of control. My house is in a CONSTANT state of chaos, the laundry is never done. No one-myself included a lot of the time-picks up after themselves. There are cheap vodka bottles and discarded clothing in the middle of my living room. There is the ever present bowl of bacon grease at the side of my stove, a nod to my culture-and God forbid you get rid of that! Someone may need it for something. (For the record, I HATE bacon, the vat of grease is probably why.)
This place that I live in, and I have been here a year, I have been unable to move my things out of the garage and into the house as there is simply no place to put things save for my furniture. When I want to discard something, it is suddenly some one's "favorite" whatever. Even if it is an empty box.
I feel so out of control in my life I don't feel like I can even control the slide right now. I feel alone, with not a soul on my side, and that's pretty sad when I live with two people who claim they love me to the moon and back. Even now, after having half a melt down over the Chinese buffet offer, I sit alone and tearful in a room surrounded by dirty socks, a half full pickle jar, some one's nasty dirty pants, and shoes....always fucking shoes. While others mindlessly play video games and sit on the deck leisurely smoking.
This may not be the right situation for me. I am not sure what adjustments need to be made for me to find contentment. I KNOW I am tired of bitching about wanting to eat right and exercise more (even if my leg is broken). My gut says that I MUST trust myself. And that I intrinsically know what is right for me. Let me tell you, dear readers, this is NOT it.
My therapist has told me on more than one occasion, "The healthier you continue to get, the worse "sick" feels". I don't believe she could be more right. I want to tear through this house like and X-Men character to show my displeasure, although that may be a hair dramatic, don't ya think?
I am super tired of how I look physically. I am attempting to eat right, only to allow myself to be sabotaged by "Date Night" or my brother's left over half pack of cookies or White Castle (because you can never eat only one), or the delicious Chinese buffet up the street.
I believe-and have always felt-that my eating reflects my current emotional state; which at this moment is out of control. My house is in a CONSTANT state of chaos, the laundry is never done. No one-myself included a lot of the time-picks up after themselves. There are cheap vodka bottles and discarded clothing in the middle of my living room. There is the ever present bowl of bacon grease at the side of my stove, a nod to my culture-and God forbid you get rid of that! Someone may need it for something. (For the record, I HATE bacon, the vat of grease is probably why.)
This place that I live in, and I have been here a year, I have been unable to move my things out of the garage and into the house as there is simply no place to put things save for my furniture. When I want to discard something, it is suddenly some one's "favorite" whatever. Even if it is an empty box.
I feel so out of control in my life I don't feel like I can even control the slide right now. I feel alone, with not a soul on my side, and that's pretty sad when I live with two people who claim they love me to the moon and back. Even now, after having half a melt down over the Chinese buffet offer, I sit alone and tearful in a room surrounded by dirty socks, a half full pickle jar, some one's nasty dirty pants, and shoes....always fucking shoes. While others mindlessly play video games and sit on the deck leisurely smoking.
This may not be the right situation for me. I am not sure what adjustments need to be made for me to find contentment. I KNOW I am tired of bitching about wanting to eat right and exercise more (even if my leg is broken). My gut says that I MUST trust myself. And that I intrinsically know what is right for me. Let me tell you, dear readers, this is NOT it.
My therapist has told me on more than one occasion, "The healthier you continue to get, the worse "sick" feels". I don't believe she could be more right. I want to tear through this house like and X-Men character to show my displeasure, although that may be a hair dramatic, don't ya think?
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
You and Tequila
I am crazy about my Bulldogge. Everyone knows that. He and I fit together like weird little puzzle pieces. He loves me in a way I have never been loved before...without question. And I love him like crazy. Its a scary proposition for a girl like me.
There are things in my life that drive me to want to run at a cellular level. Whether its that I don't feel worthy or worry that the people around me will find out whatever it is that makes me so unlovable.
And then came the Wyatt Earp to my Doc Holliday. It would've have been SO simple to keep running into the sunset with my running buddy. And its not that its a romantic connection so much, but there's a fondness and tenderness there that is past romantic love.
It feels like an addict's mentality when it comes to running..."If one is good, six HAS to be better". Wyatt Earp understands that running lust. When I talk with him, or cuddle up in his stolen t shirt, or there's a certain soft smell in the air, I get that feeling deep in my gut that makes me long to run.
Sometimes I am jealous of him sipping margaritas in the desert sun. His hat pulled down and cocked ever so slightly sideways to shade his eyes. Some outrageous story on his lips to be told in that Southern-on-crack drawl. I wish to be there with him.
AAANNNNNDDD....then there's the realization that I am becoming a different woman altogether. All my work is starting to come together and make me understand that while it is hard, maybe I deserve a shot at a "regular" life. I like fishing and camping and spending time with my kids and my man.
Wyatt Earp, you may be one of the best friends I have ever had. If you had come along just 3 months sooner, life would be entirely different right now. I have rarely had more fun. Which is why "You and Tequila" fits so well how I feel for you. And that we sang it half drunk in a bar at the beach.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Small Hours
Here I sit, awake yet again in the wee small hours of the night. I have had a cocktail, taken my meds, watched a movie, shoveled my face full of Angel food cake...and yet I remain unable to find the peace of slumber.
Bulldogge speaks of the changes in me since my return from my forray to my beloved Florence. I remind him often that I have required medication to sleep for better than ten years and these bouts are nothing new. Sometimes I envy his ability to sleep.
I long to be free of the secrets that haunt me deep in the night. I long for comfort that does not belong to me. I long for safety from even my own mind. I yearn for understanding from those around me, including myself.
I feel guilty for the safety felt with my cheek resting in the palm of a friend. That memory has sustained me for quite some time. I doubt the owner of the hand even remembers the evening's rest, and yet it helps me find safety in my slumber on many evenings.
Now once more I shall place this weary head on my pillow, listening to the rhythmic snoring of the man next to me. I may be damned for using whatever tools are at my disposal to get tonight's rest. Be that as it may. A girl needs to sleep.
Bulldogge speaks of the changes in me since my return from my forray to my beloved Florence. I remind him often that I have required medication to sleep for better than ten years and these bouts are nothing new. Sometimes I envy his ability to sleep.
I long to be free of the secrets that haunt me deep in the night. I long for comfort that does not belong to me. I long for safety from even my own mind. I yearn for understanding from those around me, including myself.
I feel guilty for the safety felt with my cheek resting in the palm of a friend. That memory has sustained me for quite some time. I doubt the owner of the hand even remembers the evening's rest, and yet it helps me find safety in my slumber on many evenings.
Now once more I shall place this weary head on my pillow, listening to the rhythmic snoring of the man next to me. I may be damned for using whatever tools are at my disposal to get tonight's rest. Be that as it may. A girl needs to sleep.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
The Baby Aches
What's funny is that I thought I was okay and settled with the fact that I can't biologically have any more children. And then I found a man that compliments my life and adds to the new found happiness and freedom I have. Now I'm being greedy and want it ALL! Even if that includes having to find a way to buy child.
Isn't it awful that there are so many roadblocks for people like the Bulldogge and I? Did you know that China has a rule that neither parent can have a BMI higher than 40? The poor Bulldogge would be over a 40 BMI even if he had spent a month in a concentration camp. His BONES have higher than a 40 BMI!! Surrogacy costs well in excess of my annual income. And now most countries have closed their programs to Americans...Even the one we had banked on using, the Marshall Islands.
Our one ace in the hole I feel is that I am a strong Native woman. That qualifies us for a Native adoption. I know this because it was something I had investigated the first time I was married. (Oddly The Right Wing King felt his family wouldn't accept a baby of another race...hmmm...what about the wife and child you already have, fool?) Bulldogge would love a Native baby. He's already said so. He doesn't care, as long as there is always action in our home.
It may take a change of heart for ME. Maybe it is in my future to save and help older kids. Bulldogge and I could bring in any child and be happy. I once went to him and presented my fears that were leftover from my former relationship...you know, race, special needs, etc...he looked at me like I was from another planet and said, "Um, you're part Native and I'm deaf, why would I POSSIBLY have a problem with those things?!?" Damn I love that man.
Who knows where all of this is going to go? We're not even married yet. But when you find what you want forever, you just want it to start NOW.
Isn't it awful that there are so many roadblocks for people like the Bulldogge and I? Did you know that China has a rule that neither parent can have a BMI higher than 40? The poor Bulldogge would be over a 40 BMI even if he had spent a month in a concentration camp. His BONES have higher than a 40 BMI!! Surrogacy costs well in excess of my annual income. And now most countries have closed their programs to Americans...Even the one we had banked on using, the Marshall Islands.
Our one ace in the hole I feel is that I am a strong Native woman. That qualifies us for a Native adoption. I know this because it was something I had investigated the first time I was married. (Oddly The Right Wing King felt his family wouldn't accept a baby of another race...hmmm...what about the wife and child you already have, fool?) Bulldogge would love a Native baby. He's already said so. He doesn't care, as long as there is always action in our home.
It may take a change of heart for ME. Maybe it is in my future to save and help older kids. Bulldogge and I could bring in any child and be happy. I once went to him and presented my fears that were leftover from my former relationship...you know, race, special needs, etc...he looked at me like I was from another planet and said, "Um, you're part Native and I'm deaf, why would I POSSIBLY have a problem with those things?!?" Damn I love that man.
Who knows where all of this is going to go? We're not even married yet. But when you find what you want forever, you just want it to start NOW.
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