Happy Birthday, UB!

The Universe (or God, Allah, the Great Spirit, fill in your deity of choice) blessed me with 2 brothers.  One older, Mr. Mechanic, who is my same: perfectionist, family first at all costs, love with your whole heart yet trust no one 100%, workaholic, problem solver. And then one younger, UB, who happens to be sometimes all I WISH I could be: Carefree, no dependents, no attachments, do all that is fun, and be beholden to no one.  It happens to be UB's birthday, and that always stirs up some feelings.

Do you remember the movie, "The Green Mile"?  In it John Coffey says, "He killed them with they love, that's the way it happens all over the world, everyday".  In a way that reminds me of the way UB and I were raised.  Except I heard, "Blood is thicker than water, and you take care of your brother no matter what".

It has lead to this interesting, symbiotic, enmeshed relationship that sometimes runs my life.  I love him and I hate him.  He feels the same about me.  It may not be 100% healthy.  There has never been a time when we apart for very long.

How do I pick the right relationship to follow sometimes?  Do I pick what makes ME happy or do I pick what makes US happy?  Do I settle on what is most accepting of us as a package with all of our shared weirdness?

When I look at my life, I do not see a time without UB in it.  In my therapy I spend a great deal of time working out all of the mismatched feelings I have about my relationship with UB.  Can I be healthy and the same person he expects me to be?  Can our relationship have healthy boundaries after 36 years?  I don't know.  It's hard to say.

For now however, I shall say, "Happy Birthday Bob".  I am happy you are my brother.  I am happy you are in my life.  I am blessed that you have stuck by me through all of our ups and downs.  I love you even when I hate you.  You have always been my best friend and will be until the end of our days.  What is it we always say?  We are together for the rest of our days?  We are together until and when all the others have gone away?  Until our last breath we will defend each other.  We are the only ones who know what it was like for all those days and nights.  

Happy birthday.  I am hoping for a great many more.  I toast you tonight in the hope that we have a great many more birthdays to spend together.  I love you.  For real.