I Don't Know What to Call This

I'm pretty sure tonight's entry is going to piss some people off and has the potential to hurt a few others....SIGH...but my brain is so full I have to do something with it or I risk losing my sanity.

About a week ago I was with someone that loves me a great deal and they asked-or well rather TOLD-me to be 100% genuine with myself and with my head shrinker when I attended my next appointment.  Today was that day.  Now I feel like I am at the crossroad of Hell and Misery.

A lot came out of my session today.  First is a painful, terrible, awful admission...Bulldogge is mildly manipulative and pressures me.  I do not think that its intentionally hurtful.  It has been an ongoing issue between us and it scares me.  I feel like I am being slowly and sweetly lured into a corner.  Its maddening to hear how hurt Bulldogge's son will be if we break up.  Or how his parents are excited for him finally being in true love.  I will grant you that when written out it doesn't sound the same as it feels.  I am electing to not tell specific stories as examples because I do NOT want to hurt the Bulldogge.  He matters to me.

What he fails to realize, I think anyway, is that when my leash is a little longer I will be the best partner one could hope for.  I am scared so easily.  And I am most certainly not ready to be bulldogged into a life I'm not sure I want.  In this minute I so desire total acceptance of all of the parts of me.

With that said...I'm back to wanting to jump on the travel nurse bandwagon.  Just a short stint.  I want to give it a shot.  Not to run away from my own issues, but more so to embrace my problems and learn to just be ME...whoever I am anymore.  I may come back more confused than when I left.  But I need to get myself together.

Today I talked to that same person and now they asked me to be honest with myself about what I really want, minus the bullshit and pressure.  And without thinking about what looks good or what other people and society think I should be doing.  That's tough to think about.  I would love to throw out the BS "I don't know" answer.  That answer is not true.

I want to love myself.  I want to be comfortable in my own skin.  I SO want to live my life without a single regret from here on out.  I look forward to remembering how to take care of myself.  I think I deserve a little time to be selfish.  I want to find my swagger and stop feeling sorry for myself.  I want to see more, be more, and do more.  I want to realize that I am worth fighting for.  And that what I want matters.

Sometimes I doubt that I will ever be content with my life.  I worry that I will be out here on the wind forever.  Maybe I just need to realize that the universe made me this way for a reason....