What's funny is that I thought I was okay and settled with the fact that I can't biologically have any more children. And then I found a man that compliments my life and adds to the new found happiness and freedom I have. Now I'm being greedy and want it ALL! Even if that includes having to find a way to buy child.
Isn't it awful that there are so many roadblocks for people like the Bulldogge and I? Did you know that China has a rule that neither parent can have a BMI higher than 40? The poor Bulldogge would be over a 40 BMI even if he had spent a month in a concentration camp. His BONES have higher than a 40 BMI!! Surrogacy costs well in excess of my annual income. And now most countries have closed their programs to Americans...Even the one we had banked on using, the Marshall Islands.
Our one ace in the hole I feel is that I am a strong Native woman. That qualifies us for a Native adoption. I know this because it was something I had investigated the first time I was married. (Oddly The Right Wing King felt his family wouldn't accept a baby of another race...hmmm...what about the wife and child you already have, fool?) Bulldogge would love a Native baby. He's already said so. He doesn't care, as long as there is always action in our home.
It may take a change of heart for ME. Maybe it is in my future to save and help older kids. Bulldogge and I could bring in any child and be happy. I once went to him and presented my fears that were leftover from my former relationship...you know, race, special needs, etc...he looked at me like I was from another planet and said, "Um, you're part Native and I'm deaf, why would I POSSIBLY have a problem with those things?!?" Damn I love that man.
Who knows where all of this is going to go? We're not even married yet. But when you find what you want forever, you just want it to start NOW.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Monday, April 1, 2013
Shake and Bake!
Son turns 20-yes, TWENTY- in the early hours of the morning. I'm not entirely sure that I m ready for that. I don't know that HE'S ready for that. I don't want this to come off as some contrived "I adore Son and our relationship is PERFECT" piece...because that's not reality.
There are so many things that we haven't talked over that I want to, but I never know if its the right time. I know that on a certain level he must have anger towards me for so many unanswered questions and things that he remembers through the eyes of a small child. And I wonder about his feelings on the past. Maybe he is like the Baboon in "The Lion King"..."You can't change it, it is in he past"...but there are million things I would like to explain.
I am so amazed at the man he is becoming. He is a hard headed SOB, that's for sure. Son will find a way to make what he wants happen. Its incredible. He is not just a dreamer who never see his dreams to fruition. If Son says he will, it will be done before I have time to think about it twice. Son can bust down walls!
Caring is a word I would use to describe my boy. He is so good to the Tiger and probably the only person in the world that the Tiger trusts. Son wears his heart on his sleeve. His feelings are right on the surface and that must be hard sometimes. Okay, I know how hard that is, since I have the same struggle.
So on his birthday, I hope Son knows that I respect him. That I LIKE him. I would choose him for a friend. I want him to know that I want to keep working on our relationship. My hope is that he understands that he can come to me with any questions...and I do mean ANY question. We will continue to grow and change but we can still love each other. Family-true family-is all anyone can count on in this world.
Magic Man, this is El Diablo reminding you....SHAKE AND BAKE! YOU'LL BE MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER!
There are so many things that we haven't talked over that I want to, but I never know if its the right time. I know that on a certain level he must have anger towards me for so many unanswered questions and things that he remembers through the eyes of a small child. And I wonder about his feelings on the past. Maybe he is like the Baboon in "The Lion King"..."You can't change it, it is in he past"...but there are million things I would like to explain.
I am so amazed at the man he is becoming. He is a hard headed SOB, that's for sure. Son will find a way to make what he wants happen. Its incredible. He is not just a dreamer who never see his dreams to fruition. If Son says he will, it will be done before I have time to think about it twice. Son can bust down walls!
Caring is a word I would use to describe my boy. He is so good to the Tiger and probably the only person in the world that the Tiger trusts. Son wears his heart on his sleeve. His feelings are right on the surface and that must be hard sometimes. Okay, I know how hard that is, since I have the same struggle.
So on his birthday, I hope Son knows that I respect him. That I LIKE him. I would choose him for a friend. I want him to know that I want to keep working on our relationship. My hope is that he understands that he can come to me with any questions...and I do mean ANY question. We will continue to grow and change but we can still love each other. Family-true family-is all anyone can count on in this world.
Magic Man, this is El Diablo reminding you....SHAKE AND BAKE! YOU'LL BE MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER!
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