What the Hell am I Doing?

I know love.  I have smelled it, had it smack me in the ass, tasted it, heard love whisper in my ear, and seen it in the eyes of another.  When it showed up I knew exactly what it was.  Of course I ran like hell.

Love seems so dangerous to me.  At least real love does.  The one that found me does.  Is this how it is for everyone?  It means opening up and laying bare all of one's secrets.  I didn't even get to do that on my own schedule...the person that cares for me can see all of my mess.  Right through all of my cover up and well rehearsed lines.  Dammit!

The challenge is that I messed up.  I freaked out.  Not only did I take off like a fat kid for a Krispy Kreme, I decided to try my luck elsewhere.  Not a good idea.  Dangerous of an entirely different kind.

I am sad.  I want my love.  It may be unconventional.  That's okay, when we are together nothing else matters, and I am certain that I am the only one he has eyes for.

Now the trick is to get healthy.  I want to be the best I can be.  Even if my love isn't coming back when I figure my next move out.  (Oh he is fabulous.  And he digs me!)

I'm excited.  Life is going to be good.  Even if its not what I am expecting.

A Little Something to Dream On

Some may call it a "Bucket List".  I, however, look at more like a "To-Do List".  My dreams may seem trivial, but wait until I start doing some of them...then it will look like an adventure.  One also has to consider the source...I was told growing up to not expect more than a husband and a child.  My dreams were to be for them and not for me.  My dreams are becoming my own finally.  I am working hard to build the life I always knew I could have.  Its a rocky road, and I have made some mistakes.  I am going to get there.

So!  This is The Fat Girl's To-Do List:

-Ride a mechanical bull
-Vacation at a dude ranch
-Dance on a bar
-Tent camp in Montana
-Learn to surf
-Visit Hank Williams's grave
-Drive my old truck to Alaska
-Join the Peace Corps
-Sing in Nashville (even if its karaoke)
-Buy myself a Ford Bronco
-Find true love
-Eat in a Gordon Ramsay restaurant
-Touch the Hollywood sign
-Take flying lessons
-Own an outrageously expensive pair of jeans
-Picnic in Central Park
-Kiss someone I adore under the Eiffel Tower
-Hug Big Bird
-Feel an Elephant's skin
-Drive in a demo derby
-Meet my youngest niece
-Put my feet into every body of salt water on earth
-Smell flowers in Bali

That's a start, don't you think?  I'm sure I will come up with more as time goes on.  The existing list is ambitious enough for now.  I wanted to have it formally documented so that I knew where I am headed.  Wish me luck.