Pretty tired of it snowing every other day. So is most of Minnesota, I know. I'm not special in that sense. And the fact that I chose to come back here from the wonderful (yet lonely) life of a travel nurse irritates me a little more each time we are covered in this winter wetness.
Oddly, I don't want to run. That freaks me out a little. I know that I will never travel for work or leisure alone again. I really feel like it wouldn't be as good, as refreshing, as freeing, as it was before. As I roll this over and over in my mind, I realize a couple of things: I am actually committed to my Bulldogge and I am becoming a much different person.
As recently as a year ago I was still on the run. I didn't know if I was running to something or away from something. It didn't matter, I didn't care, I just needed to R-U-N-N-O-F-T ( Like Mrs. Hogwollup in the movie " 'O Brother, Where Art Thou?"). Somewhere in the mountains I figured out: This isn't what I want anymore. I don't need it. I have a home now. Huh...how 'bout that...
I thought that I was going to be rootless for the rest of my life. All that being stationary had taught me was how to avoid getting hit, how to spew an insult so cutting that it goes straight to the bone, how to endure not being loved fully, and how to block out EVERYTHING with music. Those aren't things that I desired for the rest of my life. I wasn't going back to that again.
So, I started running. Even while I was married to The Right Wing King. I would set out as often, as fast, and as long as I could. When I couldn't physically escape, I would take off emotionally. Just disappear and withdraw from everything and everyone, including Son. I drank, I slept for hours and days on end, I blew off my responsibilities with abandon. I ceased to function. Its a miracle I finished nursing school.
Now I am dealing with the repercussions of existing that way. It took several years for Son to trust what I would say. My credit is trashed. My professional life had been in shambles-I have even been called into the Board of Nursing because of it. I struggle daily with remaining sober and sometimes lose the battle. Undoing all this damage has taxed me greatly.
Each successful day is a huge victory for me. It is hard to admit what I have done to myself and my relationships. Even following through with phone calls can be a struggle. I would love to bury myself in my covers and never come out sometimes. It can get pretty dark and hopeless here in my head.
Yet I have gained so much! I don't have to remember lies that I have told. I can call my son without the fear of running into his rage. I can be more open with people. I no longer have to hide behind a fake persona. I am what I am and that's all that I am...Who knew Popeye was such a great philosopher?
Today, looking out at the snow falling down, while I am tired of driving in it I enjoy being home. Home in my house, home in my own body, home in my own mind, and home in the arms of a man that adores me. I have a long way to go to being fully healed but I am hopeful I can make it there.
